you too can be pseudopretentious

Here are just a few ways.

How to Recognise the Artist of Paintings:


How to Pronounce the Hardest Names in Fashion:

A List of 33 Ways to be Pretentious

This list includes such gems as:
#13 – Refer to all raw vegetables as crudités
#14 – Refer to classical music albums as RECORDINGS”
#24 – Require your beer to be just the right temperature

Or, you can always pose smugly with a lute while your spouse does yoga and, most importantly, have someone take photos of it all *coughcoughstingcough*



Occasionally say things like:

“The only mashed potato I eat is truffle mashed potato.”

“This menu has pictures on it. We can’t eat here.”

“I watch porn in a very abstract sense.”

“I once did coke on a book of renaissance poems.”

“I don’t like raves. They’ve always reminded me of the lower class.”

“I’ve just always thought of myself as being aesthetically relaxed.”

“They’re from a small flea market on the North side of Paris.”

“Imagine Batman’s carbon footprint.”

“Shakespeare was a poor man’s Christopher Marlowe.”

“Goodnight. My head is filled with french existentialism and hunger.”

“I don’t believe in defining music by genre.”

“I love all the ancient grains, except millet.”


…and here are a few more links for you:

How to Be Pretentious: 7 Easy-to-Read Classics That Will Make You Look Better Than Your Friends (umm, this is kind of a trick because the last one is War and Peace)

10 Pretentious Outfit Ideas for the Days When You Just Don’t Give a Foucault (i don’t care for the bracelets at all – they’re cheap and mainstream – but i really like the super-vague dolores haze tee-shirt even though it’s kind of creepy… you know, ultimately)

Gwyneth Paltrow’s 25 Most Pretentious Quotes (lol, someone doesn’t like gwyneth)

How to be pretentious about wine, a summary (i especially like, “Is the vineyard foggy?”)

How to be pretentious about wine in detail the more detailed page of the above summary

the thing is, you have to do all of these things ironically, see?
…or else you’re an asshole.

see you in hell.

5 thoughts on “you too can be pseudopretentious

  1. I actually had a lady tell me that she only listens to vinyl records. PS…no one cares for her. She keeps telling us that she’s interviewing for other jobs. I just wish she’d get hired already!

  2. Brett – i used to have a friend who would blather on in a pompous-assy manner about not owning a television and why she didn’t own a telelvision and how no one should own a television blah blah blah whatever… it was annoying AF.

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